Hey Mom, remember that time you said I was never going to let you live this down? Well, I’m sorry, but you were absolutely right.
Dude is losing the hair on top of his head. This is a problem that doesn’t seem to have translated to the rest of him. When it comes to his face, and legs, and underarms, Dude is a hairy… well… dude.
Therefore, on a daily basis Dude is subject to “manscaping.”
It’s very important to us that Dude looks clean and well put together. Plus, there is absolutely no way Dude could pull off a beard. Some guys look nice with a little stubble. I love my brother, but he just looks gross.
Each morning, it takes two electric razors to remove his blossoming beard and the kid STILL has a 5 o’clock shadow by about 2pm.
Other components of “manscaping” happen less regularly. This includes removing nose hair, trimming underarm hair, and trying to control his Cardinal Bevilacqua-esque eyebrows and tendency towards a unibrow.
The day before Dude moved out, Mom decided she was going to “detail” him before his bath. She handled the manscaping, Dad handled the bathing, and I handled last minute errands.
I got home after the whole Dude cleaning process was complete. Dad was sitting at the kitchen table, shaking his head.
“Go upstairs and look at your brother,” he told me.
“Huh? Why?” I asked.
“Just… go look at him. I want to see if you notice something different,” he responded.
I climbed the stairs and poked my head into Dude’s room.
“Hey Dude!” I greeted him. “All nice and clea–… OH MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOUR EYEBROWS?!” I shrieked as Dude looked up at me.
His thick eyebrows were shadows of their former selves. They just… weren’t there.
I went back downstairs. I could hear Dad chuckling as I walked into the kitchen. He held his stomach and laughed harder when he saw my face.
“What the heck happened?!?” I demanded.
Dad took deep breaths and tried to contain himself. “Apparently your mother decided that his eyebrows were too bushy.”
“Oooook,” I said slowly, “But you TRIM them, not DESTROY them!”
Just then, Mom entered the room, looking guilty.
“WHY DID YOU SHAVE OFF DUDE’S EYEBROWS?!” I asked incredulously.
“Bonny said she did it before!” Mom wailed. (Bonny is one of the ladies who would come help out with Dude’s morning routine during the week.)
“Well CLEARLY she had a more contained approach because I have literally never seen Dude without eyebrows!” I said exasperatedly as Dad held his stomach and laughed some more.
“Don’t make fun of me!” Mom pleaded. “I feel really bad about it!!!”
Dad recovered enough to say, “You feel bad? At least you have YOUR eyebrows!”
Mom often claims that Dad and I gang up and make fun of her too much. There may be some truth to that statement, but sometimes she just makes it so easy. Shaving off your kid’s eyebrows because you’re not sure when you’ll be able to “attack” them next? COME ON. You think I’m going to just let that pass by???
A few hours and many snarky comments later, Mom sighed, “You guys are never going to let me live this down, are you?”
“If we don’t drop it,” Dad responded, somehow managing to keep a straight face, “will you shave off our eyebrows as punishment?”